“the blood of these veins isn’t pumping any less than it ever has & that’s the hope i have, the only thing i know that’s keeping me alive…” -paramore // last hope
i woke up.
yes, life was unfair. i’d wanted to drift off to sleep last night knowing i’d never, ever wake up again. well, that plan didn’t work out. unfortunately, i was wide awake in bed & my heart was still beating. my hands were literally glistening with sweat & my wet hair was sticking to my forehead. condensation was running down my window, which was open a crack.
i didn’t want to get up.
but, i did. i ventured down the stairs into my kitchen & collapsed on a chair in front of the table. somehow, at the same time as wishing life was completely over, i was slightly relieved at the fact it wasn’t. although, everyday i tell myself things will be better the next day, only to discover the horrible truth that it’s not & the truth stings – that’s why it’s a lot easier to tell myself lies & attempt to believe them.
however, as i sat at my table admiring the wood grain across the top, i began to maybe feel a spark of happiness. i could almost feel the blood pumping through my body. it was like a reminder to me, like, “hey, you’re still alive. you’re still here because you’re needed. there’s no point in dreaming it’s over, because it’s not… you’ve still got time to change.”
well, perhaps it was just a spark, but it might’ve been enough to keep me going. i’d got so used to feeling the pain that i just wanted to run outside & feel something new. i wanted to go into town & feel the glittery glow of the christmas lights shine down on me. i wanted to feel the christmas magic. i even wanted to feel the bitter, cold christmas air on my bare arms. i wanted to feel anything but the pain now. i just wanted to feel love again.
perhaps i would feel the loving warmth i once felt as a child. back then, i didn’t have to wish for it, nor crave it. could i feel you throw your arms around me & hear you whisper in my ear, “happy christmas, honey”?
but, was it even possible for you to be home for christmas?! nope… probably not. you’re too busy, always FAR too busy.
reminding myself of that painful fact immediately killed the spark. anyways, thinking over what could happen when it, of course, couldn’t was stupid. here i was, wasting more & more time whilst crying waterfalls of tears. once one tear fell, it released BUCKET loads.
so, i just wasted even more time, letting out my flood. yet, you weren’t there to give me any comfort. you would NEVER be there for me. but i couldn’t help but think about you all the time. you meant the world to me… but what did i ever mean to you? nothing? perhaps the endless nights of constant weeping & breakdowns were worthless. but i missed you. i really did.
eventually, i got up from my sitting place. perhaps i’d go into town, alone… unlike the times when you’d take me into town with you on our christmas shopping trips.
with a heavy sigh, i pulled on my boots & coat. then, i stepped outside into the cold december air. snow crunched under my feet & the cold bit deep into my fingers.
the walk into town wasn’t too long. it was only about a mile. on the way, i slipped in my earbuds & kinda way left reality. no one disturbed me. i kept my head down, seeking to escape making eye contact with anyone. i just let the soothing piano music that played in my ears capture my imagination & take me away to somewhere else in the deep realms of my mind. once i got into town, i sat on a bench & practically forgot everything about my life.
snow fell gently all around. the sky was already darkening on this christmas eve. i wanted this moment to last forever. mostly because i wished tomorrow would never come & i wouldn’t have to spend the day without you. for now, i wanted the atmosphere to stay magical-like. the town’s tall christmas tree was lit so brightly tonight. random strangers rushed around in the almost overwhelming buildup for the next day. yes, these were random strangers who had no idea about the lonely, lost girl sitting quietly on the rusty, paint-flaking, old bench. they wouldn’t have known her inward pain as she sat, shivering, on that cold, frosty evening. nope, i was just another stranger to them, like they were to me. they would never know about, or understand, anything that went on in the brain beneath my skull. they’d never know my thoughts – they’d never feel my pain.
slowly, as the sky darkened even more & fewer people filled the streets, i decided it was time to go. i got up from my seat, stretched & walked down the street, guided only by the glowing moon & christmas lights. i’d actually enjoyed my visit into town. but, now, as i walked, i began to feel lonely again. the walk back seemed a lot longer & more tiring than it had seemed going. my pace was slow & my head was permanently tilted to the ground.
i had no arrangements or plans for tomorrow. i’d probably spend another long day in bed. what else was there to do? well… perhaps i could try phoning you. or no, maybe that was a stupid idea. & you probably wouldn’t care to answer.
i let out a rather loud sigh when i finally reached my driveway. but then, all of a sudden, i stopped dead in my tracks. as i looked in the window of MY home i could see flashing christmas lights inside. yes, they were wrapped neatly around a tree – a tree i most certainly had not put up. i marched up the driveway & straight to the front door, fumbling in my pocket for the keys. then, the door handle was pulled down & the door wildly swung open. a dark shadow stood in the doorway, he threw his arms around me and i heard YOUR voice, “happy christmas, honey.”
i stood still, my arms folded tightly around you. i could feel the snow landing softly on my head.
“i’ve been hearing a lot about you & i’m sorry about everything. i still love you. i always have. please, there’s no point in dreaming it’s over, because it’s not…”
merry christmas, guys. it’s been quite a year, hasn’t it? i can’t believe it’s coming to an end. but, hey, i wrote this for you. we’ve made it this far – you’ve made it this far. you’re still here because you’re needed. there’s no point in dreaming it’s over, because it’s not. i love you guys so much. once again, merry christmas. i hope you enjoy the holidays. god bless!
*it’s just a spark, but it’s enough* -sarah xx
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